Newspaper headlines have a curious kind of grammar. Because they need to be short, conventions have evolved over the years for what's OK to elide, and how to interpret certain idiomatic constructions. For instance, there's the typical use of the present tense, as in "Man Wedged in Chimney Blames Mary Poppins" [Reuters, 13 Nov 2002]. There's the deletion of definite and indefinite articles and all forms of 'to be,' of course. And there's the particular use of the comma that appears nowhere else, as in "U.S. Seen Expanding Use of Covert Forces in Iraq, Terror War" [AP, 13 Nov 2002].
Sometimes, this compaction can be taken a bit too far. An elided verb can result in ambiguity. Or a proper name, unrecognized by the reader and disguised by the conventional use of Title Case, may be confused with a common noun.
This page is dedicated to documenting the amusing results. Over the last few years, I've kept a list of newspaper headlines I've seen that make me laugh. Some are arguably ambiguous for reasons described above; some led me "down the garden path" and then produced a pleasant moment of discontinuity as a later word reshuffled the meaning of earlier ones; some are simple errors that shouldn't have made it into print; and some just struck me funny. Most are best read slowly, for maximum puzzlement as more words pile on. Enjoy.
(newest additions are at the end)
(can we grant full rights to mere sparks, regardless of their political priorities?)
(Jack & Jill Recall [some toy] Fondly)
(mobs of Microsoft groupies stockpiling melanine boards?)
(awkward line break -- read the first line and thought it was about treating, say, arthritis by smearing the skin with a narcotic paste)
Update About Steps dialog's Credits tabs' text.
(not from a headline -- from a programmer's to-do item -- but I thought it was hilarious)
("oops," says the black cop, gun smoking, "my mistake")
(are Delta Flys like Medflies? attacking by throwing copies of Microsoft Word?)
(it took some bravery to use 'computer program' to describe something other than software)
(and what -- 'Flys'??)
(WTF??)
[The Miami Heat is a sports team; Mourning is the last name of a player]
(five nouns in a row -- a poem in itself)
(just think if China Trade were a sports team, and there were a comma between Hamstrings and Gore)
(the pitter-patter of little prices, tinkling down onto a mixture of petroleum and water)
(did the water dissolve the partitions between two feed bins?)
(the Marines reverse their policy of refusing to admit people with nice faces)
("all right, I'll admit it -- this cop-tornado climbed on, and said 'take me to Cuba or I'll send ya all to Oz!'")
(no! don't steal our spark scare too!)
(too many nouns...)
(particularly puzzling if you've been programming lately -- "new" is a verb in C++)
(the left hand doesn't know why the right keeps bashing it with a hammer)
(The Pope: "If there's anyone doing any pardoning around here, it'll be me")
[the convicted spy's last name was Pope]
(yes, sic, with two apostrophes - proofread much?)
(he'd have been even safer if he'd been inside the bush?)
(oh, I get it -- he was trying to get into the safe where they keep the rare bushes)
(good to know that gunman's safe though)
("wonder-dust powers, Activate!")
[Stardust is the name of a NASA probe vehicle]
(heh heh... they said 'probe')
(all twelve of them, ringing the fox like a Salvation Army bell while fitting into a single Santa suit??)
(I'll be damned. Your Tax Dollars At Work)
("But More Data May Be Required... <giggle>")
("The man at the pawn shop said I could use it to burn CDs; I figured, why not body modification too?")
(But Still Feels Slow Jog More Effective When Seducing Europeans)
(nouns! nouns!)
(eye businesses = LASIK facilities?)
(GIVE ME SOMETHING THAT'S NOT A NOUN!)
(those are some big honkin' wood-splitters)
("When that plane went down, I guess we all kinda lost our heads. Next thing we knew, we'd changed its oil, put air in the surviving tires, and replaced the in-flight magazines that were either scorched or had the crosswords filled in. It'll never happen again -- if we can avoid these crashes.")
(not so much ambiguous as just plain WRONG. if X causes Y, you blame X for Y and you blame Y on X.)
(but even if they'd used "Report Blames Maintenance for Air Crash," it would still be troublesome: "This plane was flying fine until we lubricated its jackscrew according to recommended procedures -- then it took an immediate nose dive." apparently "Report Blames Poor Maintenance for Air Crash" was just unacceptably long.)
(presumably as part of a promotional program by a rival space station supplier? collect five hatches and get 20% off on your next control module?)
("Shouldn't that be "kills"? Yes, it's not about our President, but still..." -- Frank Adelstein)
(if you get started with "FBI Documents" as a noun phrase, you're done for...)
(I thought "returning by fall" was kind of a bad thing for spacecraft... perhaps a controlled glide of some sort would be less likely to result in an explosion?)
(why arrest the nun if the man did it?)
(so it wasn't so much that the zookeeper was having sex with meerkats, but more that he was cheating on them?)
(well, that's how I read it anyway -- "Aha! I knew I'd put that clock somewhere handy!" -- but after I did a double-take, it turned out it said 'Plants')
(i like stores that offer free spiced beverages to their patrons, but perhaps mulled wine or mulled cider would be a more appropriate choice)
(sounds like someone found out his "world politics" doll series had interchangeable parts)
("Now, I'm no expert, but I'd think you'd have a better chance of getting ransom money if you did it in the opposite order." - Frank Adelstein)
(But Wonders If Tummy Tuck Should Be First Priority)
(you'll find that really large plants work best - try trees, e.g.)
("He can't possibly have made it through Yale with a vocabulary that small", they say)
(U.S. researcher: "For instance, they think you play football with a round ball")
("In fact, lessee... Yeah, it's nearly half of them! Let's worry!")
(OK, this one was not so much ambiguous as just plain wrong. The point of the story was that an federal agency had said the orcas weren't endangered; the judge then said they were. Granted, there was a double-negative involved, but the headline was simply 100% wrong. And that has to count for something.)
(but at least that cabinet is still in there, ministering)
(the UN wasn't looking where it was going - and blames those rights groups)
(what?)
(the number of students from abroad was rising to frightening levels, but Terror saved the day)
(hard not to read "Breaks Back" as one phrase, especially with that line break and 'in' not capitalized)
(everyone knows Google. but who's this "Loom" company they're now challenging?)
Tattoo artist Eric Vargason from Year of the Dragon Tattoos and Piercing of Auburn reworks a tattoo of the sun and flames along the arm of Rally in the Thunder Valley organizer Robert Macri of Hector at the Finger Lakes Bikes 'n Blues event Sunday afternoon on Conger Boulevard in Groton. [The Ithaca Journal, 12 July 2004]
[this is a caption, not a headline, but I thought it was a remarkably dizzying flood of proper nouns and prepositions]
[to understand this, you have to forget that "danger signs" and "up sharp[ly]" are common phrases, and remember that both Danger, Inc. and Sharp Corp. are electronics manufacturers]
(and this is news?)
(if you're going to assault your own running mate AND a classic rock band, better to do it someplace less brightly-lit)
(they were turning Cold War-era heat-seeking missiles into atmospheric instruments, but forgot to disable the guidance systems?)
[This one illustrates the ambiguity that has arisen from the convention of using a country name as an adjective in headlines, like "Japan Police" where "Japanese Police" is meant, or "Congo Rebels" for "Congolese Rebels." That's not what was intended here, but the first two words might start you out that way.]
(but it's still prohibited to criticize remarks made by George Bush)
("It's a big improvement over our last museum that opened immediately into a bottomless abyss. We had a nearly 100% depreciation rate on our exhibits within five minutes, and very few repeat visitors")
(pending ongoing turf negotiations with Godzilla and Mothra)
[you know, Monster.com the online job-hunting service]
("Must've been too much pressure, going through all those medical exams and such at such a young age..." - Frank Adelstein)
(... worsens what?)
[read like "Eating Pretzels Aboard Airliners Improves..."]
[This one's more interesting than funny. I expected it meant that someone slapped someone else and didn't get punished. But the article actually stresses the severity of the punishment. This is the ambiguity of the negative - "he did not receive a specified light punishment" might mean "he received no punishment at all" or "he received a heavier punishment than expected." Even more ironic, though the article stresses the unprecedented severity of the sentence, and quotes the offender as saying "This sentence has ruined my life," the sentence (14 months in jail) was suspended. So apparently, after all that, he did just get a slap on the wrist!]
("There are just too many nouns. I'm guessing it's related to big-eyed Palestinians making peace with fur seals, though it could be Navy SEALs." - Frank Adelstein)
("We keep double-clicking the icon, but we just get some kind of error box talking about a missing DLL or something. If anyone knows what's going on, please call 1-800-SPYONUS.")
(they're almost there already - just missing the 'ter')
["I find there are just too many verbs in that sentence to parse..." - Frank Adelstein]
[I just find the phrase "artificially inseminate" funny. Partly because it involves semen, but also because it's become a catch-phrase - the more natural word order would be "Scientists Inseminate Whale Artificially." And then, you have to think: Isn't 'artificially' redundant here? Did they really think if they left it out people would get the wrong impression? (And if they did, wouldn't that help attract readers?)]
[Mainly problematic because of the grammatical errors: should be "Slugs" or "Escapes," and should be "Lobsters'". Perhaps the 's' fell off and into the first sentence of the article, where it doesn't belong: "The lowly sea slugs put up a good defense when attacked by a lobster - and many times it wins."]
and now for
("he'd been missing for two days; then, we find him tossing his fellow employees into the water")
(sounds like a waste of ammunition -- but maybe they just like to be sure)
(what a polite budget)
(each year, one sacrificial pimple is selected...)
and, my all-time favorite:
...
drum roll, please:
...
(shot him first, then dragged him over the border and stabbed him -- he was one bad hombre and they had to be sure)
[I assume Texas is a town in Oklahoma -- but "Man Executed in Texas, OK" would have been even worse -- sounds like he survived...] [So why'd they specify the town name at all?]
[or did they mean there was one execution in each state? shouldn't that be "Men" even in the arid grammar of headlines? or is the lone comma supposed to duplicate all of "Man Executed In"?]
[and why didn't I read the story and find out?!]
That's all I have for now. If you come across any headlines that should be added to this list, please drop me a note with the exact text and reference.
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