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my
husband is home 1 week/mo. His job calls him to be away and
communication is not always possible, however more possible then he
makes it out to be. I know that the other wives hear from their
husbands more frequently than I do, and this is very upsetting to me.
I feel like he doesn't care when he is away. This has caused problems
in our relationship. I have spoken about it but it's still much of
the same as before. I don't want to harp on it and make it worse, but
this is very upsetting to me. I end up pulling away from him. When
he's home, he does alot to "make it up" to me, but when he leaves the
cycle starts again. If he was gone 1 wk/mo and home for three, I
could deal with this, but since it is the other way around, I feel
like a "widow" for most of the month. Of course, I end up dealing
with any problems that arise while he is away, and because of the lack
of communication, I get resentful, because I feel it is not
appreciated. Im not sure if I'm overreacting. Thank you for your
help!
Dear Janie:
It's clear that the situation has upset you quite a bit. You're
missing a lot of the affection and attention that you've been looking
for and are feeling very frustrated. Your husband is only home a week
a month and you end up feeling, as you say, like a widow. It's
significant that you say you don't think your husband communicates as
much as possible when away, and that you feel he doesn't care about
you when on the road. That brings up the question: if you felt he did
care about you when away, would his being away 3 weeks out of 4 be OK?
That's the kind of decision only you can make. You sound unhappy, but
not ready to call it quits, so here's what we recommend: make your
relationship number one in your life for a while. Bring the love
between the two of you to life again - and make him feel it. When he
calls, don't say he should have called sooner - tell him how good it
is to hear his voice. In other words, make what you have the best it
can be - don't wait for him to do it, get started now. Then it's up to
you to make the choice: is the time you have together enough for you?
Only you can answer that question; we know of relationships that work
where there is even less time together, and we know of ones that have
lots of time together and lots of problems. After you can feel the
love between the two you again, stand back and assess things: is the
time you have together enough? Only you can decide. And keep in mind
that to decide, you have to be able to stand back and really see
things clearly. -S+N
I recently had an affair with someone fairly close to my
husband... anyway, I am surprised by the fact that I don't regret it
or feel gulty about it at this time. We just got together from a 2
month separation about 5 months prior to this (the separation was his
idea, and their were rumors about he and another girl, so I was very
hurt and bitter over this). Since we have been back together, I just
don't feel the same towards him and now its even worse since the
affair, I feel like I am turning into him!!! I just think it's time for
me to tell him how I feel and move on, I tried this before but he
suggested marriage counseling.... What do you
think???
Dear Confused:
It sounds like you're having difficulty making a decision because you're feeling pressured. That's very common in relationships. The important thing here is getting enough perspective to see things clearly and make your own decision. When you stand back and assess what's going on, when you get out of the emotional tangles and really get a good look, you can make your own decision - and it's one only you can make. Standing back sounds like something you need here, especially when you say that you're starting to feel that you're turning into him. So disengage from the situation emotionally, take a good hard look at where you are and what you want, and really, really make your decision. Then you'll have the strength to carry it out. And here's another thing to keep in mind: marriage counseling is largely about communication, not just about saving marriages - it can also be about ending them (and sometimes in a better way than with a lot of yelling). People often don't want to go for counseling because they're afraid they'll be pressured to do things they don't want to do, but remember that your choice to stay or leave in a relationship is always up to you alone, so just don't let anyone else make your decisions for you. -S+N.
as my wedding day approaches, my mother is becoming more and more controlling and angry toward me, my brother, my dad, my fiance... pretty much anyone who has anything to do with the wedding. I'm worried that she resents my happiness, as her relationship with my father is not wonderful (to say the least). Is there anything that I can do to make our relationship better? I hate the idea of getting married and having my mom resentful and angry on what should be a happy day for our family!
Dear Kristal:
One thing to keep in mind is that everyone, including your mother, is responsible for their own actions. Ultimately, if she decides to make herself angry and resentful on such an important day as your wedding, that is her choice, and you have to look at it in that light. If that ends up being her decision, that is her decision, so keep that in mind. However, you obviously love her quite a bit, so your best bet at this time is: try to make her a participant, and not an outsider. Think of some areas where she has talent - for example, floral design, seating arrangements, or menu selection - and ask her help. Your letter doesn't make clear if you've already tried to get her involved, but if you can, that would go a long way - if she felt a part of what's going on, it might be less of a problem for her. On the other hand, if your mother ends up trying to take control of what's really your (and your husband-to-be's) day, that's a different story. You must accept that it's her decision to act that way - and that she's responsible for that decision. Be firm but understanding. To defuse your anger to her, keep in mind that she's acting out of neediness and imbalance, which means she is feeling very vulnerable. Controlling is a symptom of neediness, and looked at that way, you might be able to help her instead of being angry with her. And we'd like to wish you a happy wedding! -S+N.
my fiancee recently started a new job, and is paid salary and is scheduled 8 hours a day to work. he has been working extreme hours, like sometimes almost 18 hours a day. he says it's only till they get some other people hired to help him, see he's the only one doing his job because the other guy he had helping quit. he's a pc tech. we've been fighting about this and really not communicating too much either. i need help in getting him to communicate but also being able to communicate with him as well. i feel that he feels work is more important than me and our son, although i know he thinks what he is doing is going to help us and give us a future in the long run. i guess i want help in learning how to deal with it right now, even though i do know it will make our future better. thanks
Dear susie:
The situation does sound frustrating - 18 hours a day is an overwhelming workload. The communication issue is an important one, and it does sound like you're not connecting. It sounds as though your fiance is feeling his role as provider very strongly, while you're looking at the emotional side of things, and those roles are clashing. Your fiance's job may be so demanding right now that he finds it very tough to focus on the emotional aspects of your relationship. The key here is in your last sentence, where you say you want a way to deal with this "right now," because you know your future together will be better. Clearly, you're committed to a future together, so our suggestion is: rather than tug at your fiance to provide something he is having trouble with, why not join together and think in terms of "us"? If this really is a temporary situation, think in terms of "us" and the hard situation both of you are in now - and consider it a problem to face together. Try to communicate that point of view to your fiance too. When you remember you are addressing this from a shared point of view, the communication will become easy again. -S+N.
I have a fiance of 3 years and I'm unable to set a wedding date. He is an exceptional companianon and friend. He is very emotionally dependent on me and prefers to spend all his free time with me. My family is also very dependent on me so when I divide my time between them, I'm exhausted and feel that I have lost a great deal of (much needed) personal space/time. He has been patient and understanding with our engagement but I seem to have become caught up in the whirlwind of balancing life. I am unsure of my future goals -- whether relationship or job related. I think that the lack of my "own" personal time has set me up for this indecisiveness. I feel trapped. I went from an absorbing family structure to a relationship of the same. I used to be very adventurous and now I resort to doing the things my fiance is confortable doing (very routine.) He has no friends beyond the ones we have together and his dependency on me is incredibly frightening. In an effort to "lighten my load", I have tried to spend less
time together but when we do not see each other, he calls me (he misses me and I feel he's checking up on me.) I have also moved out of my parents home in an effort to create less family dependency and more personal space -- but at the same time it has increased my fiance's time with me (he loves to come over make me dinner, watch tv until I say I'm going to bed! I need a vacation from everything and everyone to regain my sanity! I often want to give up on our relationship b/c I already feel suffocated with him and we don't live together let alone be married. But I fear that I may be giving up on my ideal? companion -- (I am 25yrs old and have been in my relationship with my fiance for 6yrs -- I have not really dated others.) How do I even know he is my ideal? I enjoy his thoughfulness,patience and understanding. He gets along with my family well (we are from two different backgrounds/cultures.) I am very happy with him but being with him has exhausted my personal/internal fire.
I feel pretty lost and scared.
You opinions are appreciated.
Nikki
Dear Nikki:
Thanks for your letter. It seems the waters are very muddy now, and what you need is some clearing. That kind of muddiness happens when you lose your sense of perspective in a relationship. What we suggest is to cultivate a particular skill (one of the basic skills we talk about in our book) - disengaging to get perspective. In fact, your letter practically cries out for some kind of disengaging from the situation with your comments like "trapped," "suffocated," "need a vacation," and so on. You can disengage from any emotional situation without taking a real vacation, although you might have to work at it for a while. In this case, it sounds like disengaging so you can make a clear decision is going to be very important, because it looks like a decision is what you're searching for. Disengaging means standing back until the muddiness is gone and you can make rational decisions, it doesn't mean walking out. One thing that will help you to do this is the understanding that everyone - your family and fiance included - is ultimately responsible for themselves. We've seen so many couples that stay together because one person thinks the other needs them so badly, which in the end is a trap for both. That kind of imbalance is something that both people in the relationship need to grow out of. We're not saying that that's the case here. What we are saying is: don't let a sense of obligation stop you from seeing things clearly and making clear decisions. You can disengage and take an emotional vacation at any time, giving you the breathing space you need to assess your relationship. And when you can see clearly, you'll know how to proceed. -S+N.
I am 19, my boyfriend is 18, and we've been together for 14 months. We recently decided to start having sex (His suggestion, and I agreed after much consideration). He seemed happy when I first agreed, but now he's acting all weird and we haven't even done it yet! He's become very sarcastic and distant, then has moments in which he returns to his usual loving nature. Just when I get my hopes up, he's impossible again. I've tried talking to him, but he usually just says "I don't know..." What is going on here???
Dear Kate:
It's pretty clear that there's a big communication problem going on here. You're going to have to find out from him "what's going on here," because he's the only one who can tell you. However, it's also pretty clear that there are big emotional block right now, so it looks like it'll be up to you to defuse the situation. Back off on the sex idea right now, and see if you can't get back to more of the "usual loving nature" again. Then let the sex build naturally from that, taking your time if necessary. The most important thing right now, it looks like, is to defuse the situation and get the communication started again. -S+N.
my husband is somewhat friendly with the ex-girlfriend, they have a child together. whenever he picks her up they spend alot of time chitchatting and I have to stay in the car. when she (the ex) comes to our house she walzes in and makes herself comfortable. this makes me uncomfortable and upset with my husband, because I cant even get out of the car when we go over there. what to do? suggestions? thanx
Dear Nicole:
You say you have to stay in the car at the ex-girlfriend's - is it your husband who insists on that? If that's the case and he doesn't stop the ex-girlfriend from coming in, no wonder you think things are unfair. He may well think he's trying to manage a difficult situation and stay on good terms with the mother of his child, but he should definitely know your feelings on the subject. Why not try asking your husband to meet the ex-girlfriend at the door next time, instead of letting her take the initiative? Perhaps your husband could tell her that she'll let their daughter know she's here and the daughter will be right out. In any case, if you're unhappy about the situation, you should definitely let your husband know and talk over ways to fix the problem. -S+N.
Been in a relationship for two years. Long story short, I have two children, 9&16, issues there....my two best friends can't stand him,issues there, he's Jewish, I'm Catholic, issues there. All that aside, I've never been in a relationship with someone who wholeheartedly wants to work through everything, take our time and tackle it all one by one. Most of the time he is a tremendous support to me and clearly gives me freedom to be me. There is so much good to work with yet so many issues before we can really make a marriage commitment. We don't even live together mainly because of the children....we don't want to take the chance of hurting them if things don't work out. All my friends like him except my two dearest...they say I'm not seeing what they are seeing....could it be true?
Dear sherri:
Ultimately, there's only one person who can answer this question - and that's you, because you're the one the two sides of the equation matter to. There are many issues going on here, and it looks like it's been hard to see your way through. The best idea is to stand back from the emotional connections on both sides for a bit until you can start seeing clearly again. You didn't mention what it is that your dearest friends think they're seeing, but seeing is definitely the issue here - you have to disengage from the emotional situation until you can weigh the two sides and make the decision that's right for you. When you really see things clearly, you'll be strong enough to make a decision that you can believe in and live with. Be true to yourself, deep down inside. -S+N.
My husband of 15 years and I have drifted apart. We haven't had fun together
in a long time. I have a stressful job, and when I get home after a 10-12 hour
day, I hit the couch and escape by watching movies.
I recently discovered that he's been spending his evenings on the net in a Game room
playing cards and has been "meeting" a woman there, and they have set up
instant paging and private emails to each other.
I feel that he has been "emotionally unfaithful" to me, and explains why instead
of taking care of our yard, he takes a nap afterwork so he can stay up until the
middle of the night "chatting" with his new friend.
I confronted him, he claims it is all just fun and innocent. (she lives in
another state) I told him that we haven't been happy together in a long time
and this is proof that he isn't happy either and that we should divorce. Do you think I am being too jealous about this
situation? I've heard of people meeting and falling in love on the net.
Please do not reccomend counseling as he will not consider it. Thank you.
Dear sedona:
It sounds like you've come to a conclusion here already, and it's always your choice to end a relationship. But please keep in mind that 15 years is a long commitment, and if you're really considering ending it, you should be sure you're doing the right thing; making the wrong choice here could leave you with quite a few regrets. We won't recommend counseling because you say that would be unacceptable to him, but we always recommend making clear decisions based on knowing as much as possible. If you've really decided, that's one thing, but if you've drifted apart primarily because of time issues, that's another. If you feel it worthwhile, you might consider investing time in the relationship again, making time if need be, before you make your final assessment. In any case, for serious relationship questions, it's best to work on the relationship first to get things going as well as you can before assessing the long term possibilities. Also, we usually recommend detaching emotionally from the situation for a while to really get a clear overview; if you're wondering if your decision comes from jealousy, that might work for you. When things become clear, you'll know the right way to go, and you'll be able to stick with it. Good luck with your decision! -S+N.
My girlfriend of 3.5 years and I have just broken up due to the fact that
she found out about an affair I had with another woman over 2.3 years ago.
She confronted me about rumours she had heard and initially I thought it
would blow over; it didn't and finally I admitted to her that I had been
unfaithful. I guess I just thought that the problem would go away as it
was a drunken affair and nothing has happened since, indeed I have not
wanted anything to happen because I now realise how special and important
she is to me. I alson took the advice of some friends and popular
counsellors to not tell her if I was sure she would never find out as
it would cause more pain than if I didn't tell her. I now believe that
this was quite wrong.This all happened at a time when I was drinking a lot
and thought that our relationship was ending. I feel so ashamed about doing
what I have done and after sorting myself out our relationship progressed
really well until these rumours surfaced about my cheating. I really did
and still do think that this woman is the one I want to spend my life with.
I know that there may be a chance that she will forgive me and learn to
regain trust in me but the major problem that I face is that
I understand that she is planning to sleep around, at least a bit, and I
can't handle the fact that she is going to do this. I don't know whether
she is doing this because she feels that there is nothing worth saving in
terms of our relationship, or whether she needs to do this to cleanse
herself of her anger towards me by "getting back" at me for what I did
to her. I really love this woman and don't know where to go from here.
We are still talking occassionally to each other but I just feel so
frustrated because I can't seem to do anything without feeling really
guilty and angry with myself for letting my lover and best friend down
so badly.
Dear Ben:
There are quite a few issues you raise here. One of the big ones is the issue of re-establishing trust in a relationship. In general, we've found that the best way to re-establish trust is to get the emotional core of a relationship in such good shape that each partner is emotionally sure of the other; short of 24-hour surveillance, that's the only way that works, and, unlike 24-hour surveillance, will heal the relationship. Promises and flowers are one thing - but your partner can always tell where your heart is. It sounds like your first step is to work on the making-up process, but note that it takes two to make any relationship, and if she isn't willing in the long term, then that's her decision. On the other, hand, if her actions to "sleep around" have been prompted by yours, you may be able to address the root of the problem, rather than the symptom with steps like these: explain fully what went on so there are no secrets between you; show her how it's different now and convince her, if possible; make yourself an emotionally attractive partner - one she'll want to be with (including overcoming the guilt feelings and certainly not clinging); indicate your commitment and live it as deeply as you can; and work on a strong core to the relationship every day - make it number one in your life - so you'll be sure of each other emotionally. About the guilt: as we're sure you know, a long-term attitude of guilt is bad for any working relationship. Make amends as you can, but in the long run, dispel the guilt by truly believing in your intentions and commitment. If you've tried to clear the air as much as you can and she still wants to sleep around, that's something you're going to have to face, because that is her decision. It means you have to come to a decision too - about the relationship. Disengage emotionally and take a good hard look at what's going on, and see how you feel about it. Make clear decisions you can believe in and realize that getting into good emotional state is something everyone needs to practice inside or outside a relationship. And good luck! - S+N.
I have been in a loving, open & honest relationship for the last 2 years. I am divorced and have a 10 year old child who simply adores my partner. I run my own business and am financially independent. I do not need to get married, but I loved being married and truly crave it. The problem is that my partner is terrified of commitment. He had a bad 7 year relationship (not married) last time around and feels that it is impossible to commit to someone for the rest of his life. He is so terrified that even the suggestion of moving in together scares him. I love him dearly, but feel that the need to keep our relationship moving ahead is vital, but the next step is something he believes he is not ready for. He spends all his spare time with me (and my daughter) - I know he is commited to me and loves me dearly, but he just won't legally acknowledge it. I don't want to lose him, but I also don't want to be single forever. Any suggestions?
Dear Samatha:
As you may expect, this is not an uncommon question from either sex. How to proceed depends a lot on your individual situation, and only you and your sweetie know that in depth. You do, however, ask for suggestions and we do have a few: first, we've found that it usually doesn't work for one partner to pressure the other too much to commit if you want to keep the relationship healthy. One thing we've found effective is to work on the emotional core of the relationship to such an extent that your partner realizes that what they think they will miss by committing is in fact all there already in your relationship. Another is to break the barrier of commitment by discussing it and bringing it into the open, gently, with real listening on your side. We'd recommend making your relationship live as fully as possible and letting events happen based on that, rather than expecting it to adhere to an agenda, as in already knowing what the "next step" is. That is, do what's right for the relationship - the emotional core is what's important. Note that couples are often waiting for a long time to get married today, and some never do. For example, we are not married, but we've been together for quite a few years - and never had a single argument. Good luck! - S+N.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 months in a good, stable, happy and serious relationship.
We love each other deeply but here is my problem:We BOth believe that making love is only correct to do when you have found the right person,(other than when married)
Heis a virgin and feels that Im the right person because of our strong ties etc..He believes that I have also kept my virginity which technically I have but ther is a complication.
About a year ago I was somewhat taken advantage of. I have erased that from the book of my life and gone on (ever since then keeping my "virginity" and sticking to what I believe is true within my heart.) Within my heart I have always been
& kept my virginity(as that inncident never happened) What should I do? Leave that hardship or bad memory in the past as up until now and keep going on with my life and go according to the feelings/guidance of my heart or should I tell him before we make this even more important bond? A bond like marriage.
Dear stephanie:
As usual with relationship questions, it's up to you to make the final decision. However, we do have a few suggestions when it comes to secrets in relationships. Depending on how important you yourself think the secret is, secrets can in fact be a significant barrier in a relationship. We usually recommend honesty and open communication, because you'd be surprised what a burden it can be to carry such secrets around in the long term. What's the most important in a relationship is really the emotional core, not the exterior details that a lot of people carry around as guilty secrets for years, especially in marriages. Sharing secrets can bring people closer and getting them out of the way certainly improves the bond you feel with your partner. However, only you - and not we - can make this decision. You've got to weigh the two sides and come to a conclusion, because this is your relationship, and only you two know what will make it work.
- S+N.
I am a normal guy. I'm 25 and I have yet to find a serious relationship.
I have a college education, I'm intelligent, outgoing, and half way good looking.
All my friends are either in disbelief that I don't have a girlfriend or
making me feel as if I am missing out on so much by not having one (like I
didn't know that). Anyway, I work two jobs, work out, and read. I guess I don't
make much time to meet anyone. But surely I haven't been this busy all my life.
I think I may lack self esteem at times, but when I'm in my element I am
the LIFE of the party.
Dear tom:
Thanks for your comments. In the absence of a specific question, we can only make a general reply, which is that it's perfectly possible to be in complete emotional health without being in a relationship. As with all other decisions about your own emotional state, this one is up to you. In general, we'd recommend being true to yourself, being natural emotionally, and letting what happens happen. It's only important to make sure there are no internal barriers that you're avoiding - as long as you're being clear inside, follow the way you feel when it comes to relationships. - S+N.
I have been married for 4 years. My father-in-law has always been openly hostile and rude towards me from the beginning. It used to cause great trouble between my husband and myself, but now my husband agrees that his father is being overly cruel. We have decided to cut our ties with them because he refuses to at least be civil to me. I feel that this is wrong though, because our two children are being deprived of their grandparents now. I have tried very hard to be decent to his father and feel it is not going to change since it already hasn't. Am I wrong in doing this? I feel just terrible about everything.
Dear tammie:
It's hard for us to comment definitively here, because we aren't familiar with all the details - for example, if your father-in-law is behaving the way he has for some specific reason that may be addressed. Communication and listening is almost always worthwhile. However, if your father-in-law is simply being intractably hostile, there's one thing you should know: ultimately, everyone is responsible for their own actions. That is to say, there's only so much you can do if your father-in-law is really making the situation impossible - after all, that decision is up to him. However, we'd recommend thinking about a letter to your father-in-law expressing your take on the situation in sensitive terms to try to keep the lines open for communication, and perhaps one day, reconciliation. -S+N.
My boyfriend and I have been serious about our relationship for 6 months now. I have been worried about our intimacy levels because he rarely does more than hug me or give a kiss. He hasn't flirted with me or tried to come on to me in any way for the past 3 months. I have tried flirting with him, but I don't get any responses of interest from him. This is particularly disturbing to me because intimacy is a need I have in a relationship. I can't help but take this situation personally and wonder why it is that he's not attracted to me. I have tried talking about this with him on different occaisions, and with different tactics, in hopes that one of the discussions would be successful. But, with every talk, I don't feel I'm getting a satisfactory response from him.
Other than this hurdle we have a happy, healthy relationship. We are each other's best friend and can communicate quite well on any other matters. I do also know that he works in a stressful job which bothers him at times. He has also been having a major conflict with his parents over our relationship.
I have run out of ideas as how to handle the situation. Please Help!
Dear Lois:
It's hard not to take a situation like this personally, but please don't. The fact of the matter is that there could be any number of reasons for this situation, and in nearly every case that we've seen, it does not have to do with a lack of attraction. You can do yourself a lot of harm if you start blaming yourself and wondering why he's not attracted to you. A much better idea is to start working on communication, although that might take time. When you find out more about what's going on, you will be able to see your next step more clearly. If communication is hard, strengthen the emotional bond in the relationship. Get closer emotionally, spend as much time together as you can, and don't stop at the level of "friend" - keep going deeper emotionally. The deeper you can go emotionally, the stronger the bond between you two will be and the less strong influence outside issues - including things like social roles - will have. However, if it's just not getting anywhere and lots of time is passing, though, you'll have to initiate the communication yourself, and make your feelings known. In that case, there's just no other way. Good luck. -S+N.
I don't know, It's just that I'm having problems with my girlfriend. Because she is 24 yrs. old while I'm 18 I'm having this insecurity that she will prefer to love someone with her same age....
Dear Tyrone:
What you're talking about is not an uncommon concern, but stick with it and work on the emotional core of the relationship. We know of healthy relationships with much bigger age differences. The main thing is making the bond between you a deep one, and everything else will follow. Keep in mind that the age difference will be less as you grow older, too. There might be some social pressure you two will feel now, but keep working on the relationship, being someone she'll be proud to be with. Good luck. - S+N.
I am from India and I met a non resident Indian girl during college at India in 1996 and fell in love with her. She is from a malayalee family from Dubai. She too fell in love with me. We were united in all our thoughts/actions and wanted to marry each other when she went back to dubai after college. The day before she left she gave me a book thanking me for being a friend which rang me bells. She was due to come back for further studies but it did not work out and she had to go to UK for it. Meanwhile we regularly kept in touch but she started saying that marriage will be difficult bcos her parents would object to the community. I tried to make her see reaosn , fairness etc..it did not seem to help. A proposal came from her own community and her parents pressurised her into taking it. She quit me. I was shattered. Though I was under counselling, I could not take it after 3 months and so I called to scream at her and she told me that the proposal did not work out, that she was sorry and wanted me to take her back. This was 1997 Aug. So we resumed. She told her parents about me and they rejected. Meanwhile her sister got divorced and she started questioning life, marriage,God and even my intentions. Things deteriorated for her and she stopped writing to me. I called Dubai once more and her mother warned me that all communication ought to stop. Sure enough everything stopped from her side. And then dec 1998, I got a letter from her thanking me for being a friend, that she had been only emotional, that without family acceptance a marriage cant work out, that she was quitting again, that she knew she was being selfish but could not help it, that she was sorry for all the pain she put me thro and it was not intentioned.
Both of us are active christians. She had wanted her suitor to write her a particular song by Cliff Richard and she would know "Gods will" by that. Now I happened to write that to her even when I did not know what it would mean to her. She told this to me later. And then she quits !
I had prayed before stepping in to the relation pleading that I did not want to go through a heart break. And thats whjat happened. Many psotive changes have happened ever since - I have become a radical person, a strong leader but Im shattered in my personal life. My mind is filled with her and questions on whats happening. I want to quit life.
Dear Herbert:
Thanks for writing. As you probably know, anyone who does counseling has to take statements like your last one above very seriously. For that reason, we urge you to seek in-person counseling. You obviously feel you have had a very deep disappointment here, and and there are people available to help you with it. One thing that's worth noting: be careful about giving anyone else such power over you that it causes you such misery. After all, you're the only one that can give anyone else such power over you. Bear that in mind, and do look into counseling. The best of luck to you. -S+N.
OK, me and me and boyfriend have been dating for about two months now. He is 22 and I am 19. We are both at the same college and we met through mutual friends. Everything has been going really well. A couple weekends ago, we were in a "hot n' heavy" making out session and he asked me to sleep with him. I stopped everything! I had heard rumors that he was a virgin. I
I am not, therefore I have alot of sexual expirience on him, especially for our age difference. we talked about it and decided to wait. well, last weekend he admitted he loved me and I told him that I felt the same way. Like I said, things are great between us! well, we ended up sleeping together... and it was by his choice! I was fine with it. We talked afterwards and he said that he was glad that he waited and did it with someone special. Normally, I would feel really
guilty, but since he was ready, I don't. Nothing has changed in our relationship either-everything is still going well. We haven't slept together since b/c I have been sick(i have a sinus infection). I guess my concern is that I made the right decision and so did he. He waited so long in life to give up that very special part of himself. And I am the "chosen one"? Please give me
your opinion! I want to know that I did the right thing.
Sincerely, Sarah
Dear Sarah:
Sounds like quite a lot of strong emotions going on in your life right now. From what you write, it does seem that he made his decision quite consciously - it seems you should be very pleased, just the way you do sound. There is no reason for you to feel guilty if you think his choice was a conscious one - congratulations on how well your relationship is going! He was able to honor one person as his first, and it does indeed appear that you were the one he chose. Keep the communication going, keep the feelings real and honest, and good luck! - S+N.
I (26 years old) have entered into a
relationship with a girl (24 years old) whom
I love very much. She means everything to me.
She is attractive, intelligent, confident and
successful. It was with her that I lost my
virginity some two weeks ago. It was a great
experience for me. I have told her that I
wanted to loose my virginity with the person
I feel I can share a life with and that I
could not imagine having sex with somebody I
am not in love with. It has turned out that
she has been in 5 or so relationships. But,
what is more, she has had many lovers. She
refused to tell me how many, after I asked
her and she said that that was her own
private business. She also said that she
could clearly separate between love and sex
and that she could have sex with someone she
was not in love with. Further, she told me
that though she would not really like me
having sex with somebody else during the
relationship, "she could live with it". For
myself, I could not accept her having sex
with somebody else during the relationship.
It seems that she could never get jealous. I
get jealous easily. Her sexual attitudes and
her former sex life (and the fact that she
enjoyed it, as she tells me) hurt me so very
much. She claims though that, as she loves me
now, her former sex life should be forgotten.
That she loved me now should be all that
mattered.
So, my girlfriend has had sex with many guys
before me and she tells me that she enjoyed
it. I can't bear the thought of others having
had orgiastic sex with her and herself having
indulged in it and I can't bear the thought
of her being unfaithful to me. I am so afraid
to loose her - though I know she loves me.
Dear Klaus:
This is a frequent concern for people, and ultimately, the way you handle it is up to you. We'll make a few suggestions, but keep in mind, as with nearly all relationship questions, it's finally up to you and your sweetie. We've seen a lot of damage happpen in relationships because one partner can't get over the other's prior sexual experiences, but we'd like to suggest that sometimes it's important to realize there can be a difference between sex and love. Often, early sexual experiences are not very deep. In any event, one should focus on the emotional core of the relationship now - that's how you get to know and become sure of a person. After all, it's the person you love, and they are the same one you've come to know and respect, prior experiences or not. Usually when people are concerned about a partner's prior sexual relations, it's a question of: can my partner really ever love me in a special way when there have been others in the past? The best solution is to work on the emotional core of the relationship in depth, not to agonize about their past - when the emotional communication is good, you'll know the other person and be sure of them in ways you never could be just by interrogating them about prior experience.
I am emotionally invovled with a guy I have known for two years, but he does not want to start a relationship cuz he is away at college and doesn't want to hurt me with a long distance relationship.{there is a story behind that} But anyways, he is kind and loving, but then tonight he told me of this girl who has been hitting on him alot lately and said that he kissed her. We are not a couple, but I feel so used. I couldn't tell him I felt this way because he and I agree to be friends when he was in college, but every night he tells me how special I am and now there is this. Am I wrong to be hurt and upset? What should I say to him to let him know if I am not wrong in the way I feel?
Dear bethany:
Thanks for writing. It does sound that you feel very used. It sounds like you might also be feeling misled as well (if he did indeed mislead you, that was a contemptible action, although in what we've seen of similiar cases, such misleading is often due to emotional ineptness or inability rather than intentional wickedness). You may feel very hurt now, but there's one way through that: you must gain perspective. Remember that you shouldn't give other people too much power over the way you feel about yourself. It's a hard lesson, but just because one has come to depend on someone else doesn't ultimately mean that you can constrain their actions or have a right to do so. In the final analysis, we're all responsible for ourselves, which means that we shouldn't become so dependent on someone else that we feel destroyed unless we can make someone act a certain way - after all, people are free to make their own choices, even in a relationship. All of which is to say: stand back from the situation to get perspective on what's going on. When you disentangle any inter-dependence, you can get a clear picture and can make conscious decisions. And when you become emotionally strong about it, you are no longer in a position to be hurt by things beyond your control. Relationships, ideally, should come from conscious commitment on both sides; if that's not going to happen, keep in mind that it doesn't diminish you personally. - S+N.
My husband (30) and I (36) have been married 8 years. We have no children, and don't plan to. Recently I changed jobs. I was working for a government agency and now work in the private sector. I am very pleased with my new job and enjoy it. I earn a comparable salary in my new position. My husband owns and works in the family business and has in recent years become very successful. My husband earns about four times as much as I do. While this has been a great boost to our lifestyle, he seems to be very wrapped up in the material things that this increased income can bring him and us. He has been very generous and has bought me beautiful jewelry, and other expensive items (like this new pc). We are also investing a good portion of our income for our future. We have a lovely two story, four bedroom, beautifully furnished modern home, a boat, camper, four-wheelers, trucks, etc. And, just so you will know, I greatly enjoy all these "toys" and we have a good time playing together. Since we have been married we have taken wonderful vacations to disney land, cancun (twice), vegas (three times), Yellowstone, and many other week long and smaller weekend trips to interesting places. Everything we have is paid for except our home. Even with all this he is constantly telling me that I need to ask for a raise. I have been with this company for five months and I am learning many new skills. I have always been a secretary, but I am learning bookkeeping and computer skills that were not a requirement of my previous jobs. It just seems that no matter what I do, it is not enough. He is very kind to me, and shows me great affection and I know he loves me very much. But, we have so much now and I don't understand why he pressures me to earn more. He does not seem to want me to discuss the day to day events of my job, but is constantly telling me I should be earning more for what I am doing. Not only do I work, but I take care of our household and personal finances, which is a big job. I am an attractive woman with confidence in myself and my abilities. I know I should not have anything to complain about, but I just wish he could be satisfied with all that I am already doing. Sometimes I feel that no matter what I do it would never be enough. By the way, I could easily support myself in a comfortable manner on what I am earning, so I am not dependent on him. Am I wrong for being happy with the way things are? Why are material things so important to him?
Dear Lissa:
There are a few things here - one of which is that we're not entirely clear if he doesn't just, as you say, think that you "should be earning more for what [you are] doing." If he's earning four times what you do, he may indeed think you should be paid more for what you do. However, you say that he's stuck on material things, so we'll address that topic. In fact, many men do feel great pressure to identify with the provider role, and that's often the way men feel valued - by how well they provide - so it can become the overriding thing in life. There are many other ways that the material can become the most important, but if it's true that everything is going well for you financially and there is no need to be focussed entirely on the material, then we do have one or two suggestions for you, because one can waste one's entire life amassing tremendous amounts to no good point. We'd suggest that, if possible, you work on deepening the emotional core of your relationship with your husband in a very directed way, making it clear to him, both indirectly and directly, that the satisfaction and acceptance he looks for in life can be found in more rewarding areas that simply amassing physical things. That is, show him he can get life satisfaction from your relationship, not just owning more and more. Help him work on changing where he gets his strokes from money to a healthy, fulfilling relationship. But be patient - such a transition is not made overnight. Best of luck. -S+N.
I have been divorced for 18 months after a marriage of 8 years to a man who, in retrospect was very controlling. I have had several short term relationships since but seem to only really be interested in men who are quite dominant. I know this is a destructive pattern and that I form relationships where I am very needy, not an equal. How can I break out of this pattern?
Dear Davina:
Thanks for writing. This is an interesting question, and there are a few suggestions we'd like to make, but you should know it's not easy to make a fundamental change like this. If you really want to break out of this pattern, it's going to take some work. We'd also like to say that without knowing you face to face, all we can make are general comments. Here's the crux of the matter; we've found that people who are submissive oftn spend a lot of time living in their heads and holding on to a great deal in their lives - so much, in fact, that they feel they can't really defend what they're holding on to, and so try to gain acceptance through other means (that is, by being submissive). If people want to gain mental strength and self reliance, we usually recommend that they spend less time in their internal life, and spend more time living in the world directly, making the inside and the outside congruent. So our recommendation is to bring everything around you in constant focus, see it as it is - if you are holding on to less internally, you have less to defend and so can feel more direct and strong about things. -S+N.
A year ago, I met a guy on-line, and fell for the spiel. In a Nutshell, it resulted in a not very satisfactory afternoon in a Hotel. I was pretty disgusted with myself, but decided not to mention it to my Husband of 17 years, and forget it, and learn from it. I ended up telling my Husband. he was very upset, but forgave me. More recently, it came to light, that he had been phoning a Young Woman he met whilst at work. They had met for a drink, and my Husband decided to get his revenge on me...as he called it. He stayed away overnight, but their relationship did not get off the ground, as they decided that they did not really get along, and she guessed he was attempting to use her, to get back at me. he admitted that I was all he spoke about all day long, and this eventually got to her, and she was annoyed. I was very upset about the whole incident, and we fought like never before. Although I knew he had not had sexual relations with this Woman, I was beside myself with anger. And that anger and jealousy is now threatening to destroy our 17 year Marriage. I cannot control it. I know my Husband is right, what I did was far worse, but I just can't help it, I am trying, but I bring her up in conversation, and the end result is a fight. What can I do? I love him so much, I don't want to drive him away.But it's been 6 months since my affair, and only 1 month since I found out about her, and I still feel hurt. Can you help?
Dear Fran:
Thanks for writing. This is an interesting question, because just now there are a lot of inadequate books written for women saying how the man in a relationship is always wrong, and if anything goes wrong, the best therapy is hatred! Needless to say, that approach is absurd and self-defeating. A large part of what's going on here, as you say, is that what he did is only a month old, and what you did was six months ago. Time will cast a different light on things. However, it's also important for you to disengage from the situation emotionally and stand back from things for a while. See things more clearly - if your own self image is so wrapped up in him that what he does can make you miserable for a long time, it's time to get a longer perspective. Remember that the actions of another person cannot diminish who you yourself really are. After disengaging for a bit, it's easier to see what you're doing and work on your relationship consciously - that's the only way to become sure of another person again, by strengthening the emotional core of the relationship so that you are sure of your partner. So we recommend getting a little emotional distance, which will put you in a better position to work on consciously rebuilding the deep center of your marriage, and making your committments to each stronger. Good luck. -S+N.
It has suddenly dawned on me that after 5 years of not being in a relationship (-since my marriage of 11 years ended) - I'm now terrified even of the thought of anyone coming near me, despite the fact that it's what I've been wanting (and dreaming of) all this time. I've suddenly realised that I don't know how to act or what to do anymore. Help, I'm so depressed and close to tears today. I'm 37 and should be having the time of my life by now, but I feel worse and less experienced than when I was a teenager. I'm so terrified that I'm going to turn into an old maid! How can I deal with this?
Dear Gillian:
First, we'd like to get rid of this "old maid" idea. Ultimately, no one needs anyone else to be complete in themselves. In fact, the skills needed to make a relationship work also help deal with loneliness. When you enter a relationship, you should enter it consciously, without a great deal of neediness. The neediness itself is a problem, and not something that relationships can really help you deal with - you have to deal with that yourself. In any case, bear in mind that human beings can lead emotionally satisfying lives under nearly any circumstances, and that includes being alone. Our suggestion: make yourself a person someone would want to be in a relationship with - emotionally conscious and not needy - even if it doesn't actually happen, you'll be able to deal with the situation. -S+N.
I have been married for 5 years and have 4 children (3 with my husband). In January, he experienced a trauma. He was jumped at a gas station and had his jaw broken while a friend of his just sat and watched. This happened during one of his late night disappearing acts. He has the habit of staying out until the wee hours of the morning. This got a little better while his mouth was wired shut. Anyway, to make a long story short. It started happening again. I told him one more time and I was finished and that he should not even bother to come home. Things had been going real well between us until our anniversary. The next day, he did it again. I told him that he would have to leave. His final surgery for his mouth was scheduled for two days later, so I let him stay for that and the next day, he left. He came home two times in the beginning and told me that he loved me and wanted to be with me. Now it has been three weeks and I don't even know where he is living. He comes here almost daily to see the kids. He is still standing by that he wants to be with me, but I think that he is in denial and does not want to admit failure. I feel like I am a puppet. I feel that if he does not want to be with me, he should not string me along. It seems we only fought about money or his little late night acts. I need help. This is beginning to take a toll on me. By the way, sex was never an issue. I thought the more we had sex, the happier that we would be. We would have sex at least 8 times a week. In the end, it seems that sex was all that we had in common.
Dear Amie:
Thanks for writing. Reading your letter, it seems as though you've pretty much made up your mind here, especially with sentences like: "I feel that if he does not want to be with me, he should not string me along." We suggest that, if possible, you talk it over with him and try to get the communication really going. Make him understand that the future of whatever you have together is on the line. Explain that for any relationship to really work, you must have serious communication, and be able to believe in each other - if you can't believe in him, there's no relationship. Then concentrate on it deep inside until you know the answer that's right for you - and stick to it. Good luck. -S+N.
I hardly know where to begin...I am 25, have 2 kids ages 3 and 5 and have been divorced for over a year. I moved back in with my ex last July and we have been trying to work things out. I am not sure I am happy, and I feel like
I am staying with him just for the kids sake, and since he has residential custody of them I am afraid of losing them and having them resent me forever. He is not abusive, we just don't have alot in common any more. He is awful with money,
and whenever I want to go out with other friends (once every few weeks) he lays on the guilt. I am also a very outdoorsy, active person and he would rather lay around the house. I don't know If I will ever be able to remarry him, and I
always think what it would be like to live on my own. When we were first separated, it felt so great to be in charge of everything and to know where the money was going, but I didn't have the kids with me and that hurt way too much. I feel
like he is more in love with me than I am with him, and I don't want to hurt him but(so all my friends keep telling me) I need to be happy too. I feel like I am trapped in a bad situation and no matter what happens I will not be happy. And
to make it all worse, I have been sleeping with one of my male friends, since I don't have orgasms with my ex. The sex with the ex is like whenever HE wants it, no foreplay, just do it and roll over and go back to sleep. Which is fine with
me since I just want to get it over with. Maybe I am over analyzing everything and this is what marriage is like and I had better just accept it, but I have to hope that it can be better than this. I hope you can help, I just don't feel like
I have my head straight enough to make a decision either way. Should I stay or should I go, and IF I go, what happens with the kids? I hope you can help me, I have been thinking about seeking counselling, but I thought I would try this first.
Dear Lisa:
As we read your letter, it seemed - much like the previous letter - that you had already made your mind up for the most part. And in fact, our feeling, after watching many similar relationships, is that if the *only* glue in a relationship is the children, it's not going to work, and it's going to be bad for the children. Divorce is hard on kids, but if they are the only reason you're together, the atmosphere is going to get strained and eventually kids can end up with a lot of guilt and tension. Kids are not glue. Your kids are young, and young kids can be resilient as far as the long-term effects of a divorce go; it's up to you to help them along that path. This all assumes that the only reason you're staying together is for the kids, as you appear to be saying; if there is any chance that the relationship can be rekindled into a living one, you should give it a chance. But if you know in your heart that there's nothing holding the two of you together, we suggest that treating kids as glue is as bad for you as them. -S+N.
I met my "friend" in November and we've been seeing each other at least once a week ever since. We often exchange sexual fantasies over the phone, and when we are together we're like a pair of magnets--always touching in some way, holding hands or hugging or that sort of thing, but we haven't
ever kissed in spite of coming very close upon *numerous* occasions. It's always him that holds back.
Anyway, about ten days ago he called me up in the middle of the night and said he wanted to come see me. He wandered over for an hour, ostensibly to show me something he had written, and then we sat cuddling on the couch.
I'm giving you all this backdrop because I think it backs up my opinion, and as such I'd like to add that the energy between us is so noticeable to others they say we literally glow whenever we're together.
So now to what's bothering me. He told me the other day, over the phone, that he didn't feel any sexual desire for me. I told him I didn't believe him because the kind of energy we share together can't be faked and it's too powerful for him not to feel it, too. Especially the time when my feet were wrapped around one of his, and he moved a toe and ZING! we may as well have been having sex just then if you know what I mean!
I am positive he's attracted to me, and it hurt that he said otherwise, and I wonder why he did. He didn't say "let's just be friends" or any of that, said in fact "this isn't a let's just be friends speech", and when I pointed out I thought he really did feel something for me but he was avoiding it because he wasn't ready for more, he just said, "I'm eating another chip!" and crunched one real loud in my ear. Then he changed the subject, saying he might want to come over for Easter, "but I'm not sure, though. I wouldn't want to make any kind of commitment yet."
I called him on that one, saying, "Freudian slip, baby! 'Yet' being the operative word." And he said, "I was talking about Sunday, not us."
So anyway, that was a week ago and he hasn't called me back. I'm sad because we've been used to talking two or three days a week and he always comes to see me at least once a week. I miss him. I know I probably shouldn't have brought up the issue since guys like to be the one who pursues the girl, but I just wanted to know why he wouldn't kiss me.
This isn't a teenage puppylove thing, we're both adults who have gone through relationships that have left scars, and I think his are quite deep. So how do I deal with this? I had thought to give him space and let him call me, but I feel so sick to my stomach at the thought of him not calling I want to curl up into a fetal position and stay there until he does--not that I would, of course, but I still feel that way.
I'm not even entirely sure what I'm trying to ask you, except that most of the people who have seen us together can't believe he would even try to tell me he didn't want me that way when they can all see how we are together. The mental and emotional elements are all in place, we've never had any kind of an argument, and even when we discussed this issue it was done in what could only be described as an almost loving manner. We listened to each other, validated each other, and allowed each other to express our opinions clearly. If this is an indication of how we are likely to disagree in the future, then the only part I don't like about it is the waiting for him to call me back thing, and if he doesn't call by Friday night I'm not even going to do that.
This could be the most wonderful relationship that ever happened--but what if he keeps saying he doesn't want the physical? Am I supposed to just give that all up and find some guy that will give me sex but no mental or emotional fulfillment? I can't imagine anyone fulfilling me more in those areas than this man does. How does one cope with this sort of thing?
Dear Robin:
Thanks for writing. Your situation is not uncommon, and in fact, if you'll scroll backwards, you'll find a few letters on the same topic. Our advice here is to work on the emotional core of the relationship, making that solid and complete, and to let the sexual aspect come from that, after you've established a safe space for it. Be extra careful of trapping behavior - your comment "Freudian slip, baby!" comes pretty close - which may make your partner withdraw. To sum up: our advice is to let the sexual aspect come about as a deepening of your love, naturally, and, in this case, very gently. Good luck. -S+N.
It's a long story with a short punch line. I had a snoring problem for the last 10years of my marriage
But I also worked an off shift the entire time. What has happened to my
marriage is that the snoring allowed a lack of intimacy to come between me
and my wife. Then she never told me how much it was affecting her. All that I
ever heard was nagging and complaining. Not her true feelings.
So we obviously weren't the greatest communicators!!! Around november
I started getting suspicious that she was having an affair. Took me till march
to give her proof that she couldn't lie about. I moved out not because I wanted to but because
she said that she needed the time and space to figure out if she can love me
again. So here's my problem I can get past the affair because I
actually understand why once I realized that the reasons that she had
been bitching at me so much were not what I thought. But were really
lonliness and her feelings of being unloved and not appreciated. I want the marriage to
work and am willing to do anything possible to make it work.
She on the other hand is "not there" doesn't know if she can ever love me again
Suggestions?? What can I do? I have backed off and I am leaving her alone as much as I can. We
can't just not see each other because we have two kids age 8 and 4.
That is the only area wher I have scored any points in the last couple of
years. So what can I do
Lost, lonely,and no longer snoring
Dear Chris:
You've hit it when you talk about a lack of initimacy. If you want to save the marriage, that's what you've got to build up, if it's still possible. Make it your absolute priority, and make sure she knows it. At the same time, you've got to work at being someone she wants to be with - not needy, but rather confident and solid. In the end, if things don't work out, you've got to accept that it was her choice, and that you did the best possible that you could from your side. Good luck. -S+N.
Hi Steve and Nancy,
I am not married but in a very serious relationship and need some professional advice on a matter that recently arose.
I have been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years now and yesterday found out that she has kissed 4 other men over the past year. She told me herself. Now I am not worried about the fact that she went and french kissed them but what I need advice on is that the one guy that she kissed unfortunately last week is one of her long time male friends, which is also an former good colleage of mine. The other 3 were guys she doesn't even know and that happened while she was last year for the year in the USA. Now she is back in SA but I can also only see her on weekends cause I am studying about 2 hours drive from where she now works. As I said it does not go to me about the kiss but that she can't tell me exactly if she likes this other guy more than just as a friend. Should i give her time to think about it or is this foolish of me to think that there is a chance at all. She has admitted to me that she loves me, for real now and that she does not see a future with this other guy but still she cannot tell me for sure that she has no fellings for him. What am I to do??? Let me also say that I am her first real serious boyfriend and relationship and that although she's had a few boyfriends before, never has she got so emotionally involved with any other man than with me. Should I wait and accept that what she decides once she's sorted it out in her head to stay with me, cause I know that is what she wants. She knows as well that I will not just accept such easy words just to clear the air.... or is it just then me who is stubborn??. i really do need your profossional advice on this. We have taken it to the Lord already and it is also in His hands now, but I really do need some assurance or advice from someone with your knowledge and experince.
I sure hope this does all make up some sense, it's sitting all jumbled up in my head at the moment. I really do love her and that is why I have not decided ommediately to break it off, otherwise I would have already. Is this foolish of me to hang on or carry on with this realtionship just because i love her so much and don't want to lose her. Is there a way back for us if she says to me that she knows that she should stay with me cause of what we have been through and that we have a future together.
PLEEZ HELP ME!!! I am is dire straits and this whole thing is eating me out from within.
THankyou DOC!!!!
Thomas
Dear Thomas:
There seem to be three issues here - her making up her mind, communication with her, and also your sense of need. Communication is very important, and that's one of the first things you should pursue. Your entire letter indicates how tortured you feel because of the lack of communication, and it's essential you get a clear idea of her feelings if you can. If you can't, please note that that is a message too - she doesn't feel she can commit at this point. However, from a longer term perspective, we think the most important thing is to avoid coming across as too needy or letting need consume you. Bear in mind that you are a complete, solid, and good human being, and no relationship can give you a sense of self-worth; only you can do that. Our recommendation: stand back, don't let the neediness get to you, and see things a little more from her perspective - work on becoming someone she'd want to be with, someone she'd be proud of, because that kind of emotional self-belief is more important to long term relationship survival than almost anything else. And good luck. -S+N.
I was maried then in a great relationship that lasted a year & broke up 4 months ago partially because my girlfriend was still in love with her X boyfriend (she calls it the 10 times factor, something she can't have). She also had a hard time dealing with the way my X wife is. I have a wonderful 5yr Son. She also had a hard time understanding how important he is to me. She didn't like feeling like she was in 2nd place. Anyway I'm now dating women & getting an understanding of what is relly going on. It's simple to just do what comes naturally, but I feel that it take at least 6 months to even know someone. I sometimes wonder what the real way of dating & getting to know someone with making to many mistakes. I was always looking for someone who would try to understand relationships as much as I'm willing. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Being yourself and being open is great if you happen to be with someone who is sincere. If not whowever, it can be a major problem. Please let me know what you think.
Thanks,
Paul
Dear Paul:
We think you are right on the money. Be yourself, really and truly, and that's the best way to prepare yourself for a relationship. Be open, honest, genuine, guileless, and spontaneous. If the relationship doesn't work, and you are being your deep, real self (which, however, very few people really know how to do), that self that would never exploit another intentionally, it's not your fault that things went wrong. Thanks for writing. -S+N.
>I've been friends with a girl at college for about a year but
>recently i've fallen for her. We've been out to the movies and to
>dinner together a few times and it feels so right, the two of us
>togather. Although she has only ever mentioned ex-boyfriends i think
>that she could be in a long distance relationship but i'm affraid to
>find out what i don't want to hear nor, do i want to loose her as a
>friend even though i need to let her know, at some stage how i feel.
Dear maurie:
As you can imagine, that's a very common dilemna. However, it's also true that unless you start communication on this issue, there may never be any deeper relationship. Prepare yourself for a relationship by being someone she'd be proud to be with, and sound out the territory gently and naturally. And good luck! -S+N.
I have been with my current boyfriend for 4 years. Things at first , as usual,
went fine...had lots of fun, sex, etc. In the past year or so, he (the boyfriend)
has been doing with strange things while we have sex. First , he starts telling me about
how his aunt and him had several sexual encounters while he was very young. Then he started
telling me how his aunt would put him and his neice together to have sex. He tells me how he would
like for me to have threesome with him and his aunt...tells me he has had sex with sisters also. He see's nothing
wrong in what happened to him (sexual abuse), he doesn't even consider it to have been wrong. But it has intriqued
him to the point that now he tells me EVERYTIME we have sex. He also tells me how he used to take his past girlfriends
to Adult video stores, and had men screw her thru holes in the walls. I am not prude, but I do think this is alittle far out there.
When I tell him how uncomfortable this makes me, he promises not to do it again, but it always happens the next time.
Now, I have noticed that I am with him withdrawling from him. I pull away from him when he tries to touch me. Do you ever
get over this feeling? I am loss at what to do...do I stay with him? Do I leave him, my insides tell me to go, run.... I am at a loss, He says he loves me and wants to marry
me. But I would not marry him now...with these conditions around us.
Please help!
Dear Van:
It's clear there's a serious issue going on here. We talked this one over, bearing in mind how uncomfortable you've become. In this case, we recommend therapy for your boyfriend, and caution for you. If your insides tell you to run, you should definitely withdraw, at least until you feel comfortable and safe again. From what you've written, there appears to be something of a compulsion at work here, but we really can't say definitively, so in our opinion, it's time for your boyfriend to seek help - and for you to make sure you're safe before taking any further steps. Good luck. -S+N.
my second husband of six years has recently asked for divorce! we have has a wonderful marriage and love each other with all our hearts. what happend was that his father and family has ordered him to disolve our marriage because i am of another race than he is and his family feels that he should stay within his own culture. another reason is that i have children from another marriage and his family does not approve of that. we did not have children together. he still has not finaliezed the divorce and he is trying to avoid it! we have seperated and he still comes around. he says that he is going to talk to his family to try to preserve our marriage. my question is the following: is it fair for me to wait and if so how long? i want to but he seems to be doing things at a snails pace and that really upsets me! why can't he just put his foot down now? please help!!!
Dear Ginger:
The snail's pace part of this is what has us troubled. Unless you and he feel you are together on this issue, you probably won't be able to face his family strongly enough to make a difference. See if you can't really get together with him on these issues and get a plan going. Otherwise, it may be time to stop waiting around - we know other relationships where what's going on sounds very smiliar to what's going on for you, and in those cases, the "snail's pace" eventually slowed to a stop as it became clear one spouse just was not willing to take any risks to alienate their family. The bottom line: unless you have a stronger relationship going than the one he has with his family, it's going to be a problem over and over unless they accept you, which doesn't sound likely now. Good luck. -S+N.
My boyfriend and I broke up in October we continued spending days together and having sex up until the end of November. In the fisr two weeks of December we were friends...no sex..then we said good bye forever (my idea) I ran away...a few days later I went to try get him back..he totally said no. Within a week he started dating...so I did..Then I moved even farther away, to start a great job! We didn't call each other then he started leaving messages for me ..so once I started my new job in a new province I called him...we talked every week...but he failed to tell me he was still dating...We argued about that and we discussed getting back together..I was always begging him to ...One day he stopped calling..I felt better...then last week he called I didn't answer even though I was home and knew it was him...I sent him a letter telling him I was still hurting and I couldn't be his friend..One of the reasons I hoped he called for was to get back together..but my sister seen him a few days ago with the same girl he was dating two months ago when we were talking regularly on the phone. He said he didn't love me...the reason its so hard to let fo is because I was ready to commit to him and let God into our lives just like he wanted. Why did he reject me when I was ready to finally work things out in a very spiritual way? and why did he start dating so soon?and why was he calling me and letting me hang on?and why did he call last week when he has a new girlfriend? I'm thinking that he was verbally abusive during our relationship do you think that's part of the reason I'm still in pain and want him back. And from everything I wrote does it sound like I shouldn't date? He thinks I'm not sane enough to date anyone right now.
Dear Priscilla:
It sounds as though you are in a difficult situation, with a lot of uncertainty. We read your letter carefully, and our opinion is that the first thing to do is to get yourself into an emotional space you feel comfortable with. A lot of your letter has to do with what he'll do, and letting him tell you you shouldn't date and so forth. It's time you paid some attention to yourself and what you want in a case like this. It sounds as though you can't count on his side to provide a great deal of support right now, so your first step is to take a step back and take a good look at the situation. Don't let what's going on cause you a great deal of needless pain; make up your own mind about things. When you assess the situation, you can decide what the next step should be with a clear mind, and that's the most important. It might even be time to move on. Good luck. -S+N.
My boyfriend of 4 months cant get over my past. I regret the things I have done! We always get into a discussion about it and I always end
up crying and he turns kinda cold. He also doesnt trust me. Ive never cheated on him, but I have cheated on other guys in the past and he knows. But Id REALLY never cheat on him
I love him way to much to loose him. Hes so afraid Im gonna hurt him, how can I get him to forget my past and trust me?
Dear chell:
There's only one real way to address this situation, which we see a lot, and that's to make the emotional core of your relationship as healthy as possible. That's the way we feel sure of each other - through emotions, not promises. It's clear this is a big issue between you and one that's hard to talk about, from what you write. Communication is something you should pursue, and keep going, because it'll take time. But also show him your love for him and make it clear to him that he's the one for you. That's the only kind of thing that really convinces; if he becomes sure of you emotionally, he'll be more sure of your future together. The only hard part is getting the emotional core of your relationship to that point - be patient and keep working. And good luck. -S+N.
I'm 22 years old, my boyfriend is lying to me and I thought he is cheating on me ,and going out with aother girls
without telling me the truth,he is a little bit showoff infront of his friends, he thinks that he is a hero when cheating
Although,I'm goodlooking girl,honest with him, never lie to him,by the way he is 26 years old, he is goodlooking and hundsom.
please advice me what to do.
thank you
Dear mango:
There's only so much you can do in a situation like this, because his actions are up to him. Your best bet is to make sure that as much as you can, be someone he'll want to be with. Be emotionally strong and not needy, be clear and take a step back to get an overview and make sure that all you do you do with a clear head. Hopefully you'll be able to convince him that you have what he's looking for, and he need not look any farther. This is not just a one-way street; in time, you should urge him to be mature about relationships as well and make sure he knows a relationship is not just about conquest, it's about two people who love each other. If he's not up to those standards, the prospects of a long term relationship are not good in any case. Good luck. -S+N.
I have been infatuated with a guy I work with for about two years (I'll call him X). When I first met him in 1997 he was engaged (he was 32 then, I was 28) so I knew nothing could come of it. He started to pay me a lot of attention and he confided that he had serious doubts about getting married. He obviously wanted a sexual relationship to start at that time but I felt very strongly for him and knew I couldn't handle it if he was still with someone else. I told him how I felt and of course it frightened him right off! so much for honesty. I was hurt but it didn't affect how I felt for him because I know he was very confused. After a while I started dating someone else. I then started to work with X more closely and managed to strike up a good and close friendship, although there was always a sexual tension there and we both knew where the lines were drawn. At this time one of my friends started to go out with X's best friend and I found I got on very well with him indeed (yes this is relevant). My friend's relationship didn't last long but it was all very friendly and I stayed in touch with X's friend. She had confided to me that she had felt the relationship wasn't working because she thought X's friend liked me better than her - but I just thought she was paranoid. I had never even considered him in that way because X was first in my mind. Well, months went by and I had one or two non-serious boyfriends. Then X told me that he had broken off his engagement and was seeing someone else. I was shocked and all the feelings I thought I had under control surfaced. Later he told me that he had broken off with this new girl and we started a sexual relationship. In a way I thought all my dreams had come true but I knew he didn't feel the same way - he was just trying to cover up the hurt and just wanted a casual relationship he could pick up and drop when he wanted. Eventually I couldn't take the imbalance of the relationship any longer and walked away from it - one of the hardest things I've ever done. He started seeing the previous girl again and it seems to have got quite serious. I don't speak to him at all now except for work purposes which I avoid where possible. I know he doesn't understand why I've taken this line but I know I've done the right thing - its no good loving someone who doesn't love you back because every day is full of pain. However, while I was seeing X his friend confided in me that he liked me. I told him the truth when I told him that, if he wasn't friends with X I would have been happy to date him long ago. I still saw him regularly, as a friend, but then last week he made a pass at me and I though "what the hell - what's stopping me?". It was great but now I'm confused about my feelings. I do like him a lot but can see that subconsciously I might be using him to get at X. But I don't think so - we've genuinely been friends for a while, I do find him very attractive and being around him has always made me happy. Its just so close to what went before and I can't honestly say that if X came to me and said lets try again that I wouldn't - I just don't know how I feel about that. And X's friend is avoiding me now - so what were his motives? Perhaps he was just trying to prove something, or may be he's genuinely concerned at what X would think? Half of me says run as fast as you can away from this situation and the other half says there is real potential here if you are prepared to honestly try. Help - I don't know what to do. As my grandmother would have said - what a tangled web we weave.....
Dear debbie:
A tangled web is right - there's quite a lot going on here, but in the end, a 'tangled web' indicates very clearly that it's time to get some distance from what's going on. When half of you says one thing and half says another, it's time for a break. Work on getting some emotional distance from the whole situation so you can clear your head. There's lots of ways to get pulled here, and it's hard to know what's in the minds of others. All you can do is to be clear about what you're doing yourself, and try to do it; if things work out, terrific - and if not, you know you did the right thing as far as possible for you. Good luck! -S+N.
Okay there is this guy who is my ex boyfriend. We were really good friends before we started dating. Everything was going really wonderful. WE never fussed or anything. We were only together a few weeks when he told me that he loved me. I didn't know what to think, but I really believed him. I really felt like I had fallen in love that soon too. Everyone was really happy that we were together. BOth of our families were very excited about us being together. Well , all of a sudden one day something went wrong. That afternoon he told me he loved me. That night, he broke up with me. I really dont understand. All he otld me was that we were just too different. I mean we did not just all of a suden become different. We have our differences , but they never got in the way before.He had been in a relationship for about a year before we startes dating. When we started dating htey had been apart for about a month. I dont know if it could have had anything to do with this or not. Some of his family have even told my mother to tell me to not let him fool me that he really did love me or either still did. They said that he just was concerned with being a senior. See we have one little difference . We are both 18, but I am a sophomore in college and he is a senior in high school. I am only two weeks older than him though. We have talked a few times since we broke up. Also, when he told all his friends who he had slept with, he did not include my name. He told them that there was one more, but that she was not like that.So, maybe he respects me. I just really miss him. I wish we could give it another shot. I am just really scared about approaching him, but what could be worse? I mean he's not with me now. Also, I am the only one of his ex's that he does not bad mouth. Do you think maybe that he really did feel the things he told me he did and maybe it just scared him that he was beginning to care so much about me when we are still kind of young? I guess what I am asking is please tell me what I need to do.
Dear marsha:
Thanks for your fine and sensitive letter. It's clear that you're working hard on a lot of guesses about what was going on in his mind. All that you suggest is possible, but be careful of building castles in the sky - giving him the benefit of the doubt is worthwhile, but don't make assumptions that can set you up for a lot of hurt. There is only so much you can do to influence someone else's actions, so we recommend that you take it easy here and stand back from the situation a little bit. All you can really do is to prepare yourself for a relationship as much as possible - be someone he'll want to be with. But also be clear and don't end up needy. Stand back, get a clear view, and make conscious choices. If things don't work out, it's not your fault. If at all possible, the thing to do is to work on communication again so you know what's in his mind. Be patient, be realistic, and be yourself. Good luck. -S+N.
I'm 34 years old....dated plenty of women but am now looking for a serious relationship. Love my job and things are going quite well.
Well, I've been working occasionally with a woman in another division of my company. We work in 2 differnet bldgs 10 miles apart,yet email and talk to each other about 3 times a week.
I have been going on business calls with her on occasion and have taken clients out with her. I know she was seeing someone else but have been quite happy with our friendship. In the past two months she has suggested more and more that we go out...but there is always a group of people involved. I don't mind since I'm not exactly looking to get romance involved with my career. I have continuosly played it aloof with her but deep down inside like her quite abit.
But lately, we have gone out on our own here and there. Consequently we have gotten to know each other very very well. Bottomline is I love being around her.
Just recently I was up in SF for business and decided to stay for the weekend. turns out she found out by my email and said she was going up for the weekend as well. She invited me to go to Napa Valley with her friends. Well, it turned out to be one couple and us. I cannot deny it..we spent all day together..I became truely smitten with her.
I tried to be cool with her the next week with limited communication hoping to not get my hopes up (I knew in the mean time that she stopped seeing this guy. Turns out it was a guy from our company working in an office 2000 miles away)and becuase I did not want to be to aggressive since we kind of worked together and I really do not want to jeoprdize my job.. Gettin to the end here.
Well, she emailed me a few times the following week that we should get togehter the following weekend to hangout etc. (She could have meant with or without friends). I responded sure, knowing that we were great friends. But now I was getting curious since we were spending so much time together. I am really attracted to her...I dig this woman and would love to date her seriously..but have refrained my emotions because she tends to have more guys that are friends than the usual woman.
Well anyway, we went out met for drinks and a bunch of people joined us. She and I had a great time. We started getting more affectionate and began hugging while joking around etc. We have hugged in the past and have kissed briefly on the lips too.
Well, when I went to drop her off...in the car we bagan to say good night when we just looked at each other. I couldn't resist anymore..so I leaned over and kissed her (We were both not exactly sober). She didn't resist. But we pulled back and she said we had to talk. Basically, I fessed up that I truely liked her but was hesitant to get involved since we worked together. I asked if she liked me..in a demure way she said yes that it was mutual...said she was confused, kind of surprised but admitted there was something between us....
I leaned over again and we both kissed. Well, this kiss said it all...we kissed each other so passionately and strongly it was an intense and aggressive exchange. We both pulled away reeling from what just happened. I walked her to the car and we hugged good night. We had to talk the next day.
She admitted seeing the guy in the other office and confessed that she was hesitant to get involved with a guy she worked with...on the other hand she said she would not completely rule out the other option...which was seeing me. she said we shoud stay friends for now. I agreed with her..and am quite okay with it.
I asked if I misread her by initiating the kiss and she said no...she admitted egging me on. She recalled our kiss as violent, but in a good passionate way. I asked if thsese feelings between us were lopsided, quietly she said no...she said she is in fact attracted to me.
She admitted that I was a dear friend of hers and that she really enjoys that between us and doesn't want to lose that. The thing is, I have never been this close to a woman before as a friend..its like a platonic girlfriend.
I sense she likes attention by alot of guy friends. Although the above may seem at first obvious, I'm wondering if she really does like me or unconsciously teased me and was surprised when i kissed, yet she managed to give me a graceful out.
The reason I obsess is that I think she may be the one. I have been close friends with her for a year. I feel that there is something special between us. Work has been fine between us...but now were even more close Sorry for the long thread.
I gues I'd like to know what others think. Does she really like me and do I have a future with her? Again it may seem obvious, but this is a very intelligent and attractive woman that is in demand and I have trouble accepting the fact that she does in fact like me.
comments?
Dear Mark:
It's hard to see the future (our crystal ball is in the shop!), and this situation does sound frustrating. There are two things we recommend: communication and preparation. Although it might be hard, communication is important; you've made the first steps already, now you have to continue, cautiously and gently. Also, be the kind of person she'd want to be with; an attractive possibility, not needy. Get a little overview of the situation, and make your choices consciously. Good luck. -S+N.
I met a guy two years ago when I was breaking up with my ex-boyfriend. I started liking him and he made me forget about my ex. He lives 8 hours away and he is very busy and so and I, but he called me everynight for about 4 months and we started liking each other. We have alot in common. We are just alike. Lately, I don't talk to him anymore because of his very hectic schedule and mine, but I think about him everyday. When I page him/email he doesn't reply most of the time, but when I talk to him he is still the same person and acts the same as if we were talking everynight. I don't understand this. How does he feel about me, the same or not? How should we be now?
Dear Queen:
This is a tough one, because it doesn't sound as though your schedules allow a lot of emotional overlap. As you know, a relationship needs time to grow, even if that means other items get less time. It's a matter of priorities, and it could be he's not ready to make sacrifices to get involved. In any case, there's really not much of a relationship if there's no time on either side to invest, and unless both parties can invest enough to make an emotional go of it, it's not going to get too far. We suggest making your feelings known to him, and seeing if he'll invest himself in a relationship with you. If not, that's a sign by itself. Good luck. -S+N.
I recently got into an argument with my girlfriend, and we broke up. She came over my house and I was in a irritable mood, because some seriously stressful events happend recently. Well, I know you're taking my word for it, but I didn't direct any anger to her, like rudeness or yelling. I was pacing in a circle and bitching to myself. My girlfriend tried to change the subject and that was fine. She said one thing that, to me, was very vauge and so I didn't understand her. I said "what?" and she took that as if I wasn't listening, a prolem I've been having . Well, this led to much rudeness, admittidly from both sides. She went home for an unrelated reason, I ended up getting more and more mad at this situation, I called her and confronted her as to why I was recieving all the attitude from her. Any time we argue, she always always takes this position that someone has to win the arguement, which I expected, but things still got worse. So, it ends up that we don't talk for two days . During these two days the stressfull situation I reffered to before was climaxing, and I feel kind of deserted. I really felt like I needed someone there, even if they just ignored me and let me get some garbage out of my system. Now, I really get confused here, because I wouldn't expect anyone to just put up with me, normally, but I felt like she was someone I'd like to marry, and I'm not sure where the limit is on what I can ask of her. This just may sound nice in my head,but I always felt like I'd do anything for her. Well, she called me after two days and it got ugly and we broke up. I didn't call her becuase I was hesitantly given advice that if I felt as though my reasons for being mad were justified, I shouldn't call, because I would make myself vulnerable to just caving in and being runover every time an arguement arose. So, can you help me? Yes or no, thanks for taking the time to read this,I don't write or type that often.
Dear Moe:
Relationships are built on an emotional core, not, as you know, on winning points in an argument. When it comes to getting prickly in arguments, and you don't want things to keep getting worse and worse, it's time to get back to the emotional core with some kind words. As to the idea that you'll be run over each time if you're not "strong," we believe that in healthy relationships between adults, there simply isn't a lot of exploitation going on. When you're in a healthy relationship with someone you love, someone who cares about you and your welfare, why would you want to exploit that person? The ideal is to let what you do come from love, not ego. Of course, that's only possible if you have an emotional bond, and that's what we recommend you work on here. There's a lot of arguing going on today, and perhaps you can defuse the situation with kind words, a gift, or a night out -- while indicating that you're not making an apology, but that you care about her, and think it's foolish to let an argument come between you. Perhaps explain to her that the emotional core of what you have is strong enough to handle an argument or two, because you know she's deeper than that. Good luck. -S+N.
I am 15 and i have this boyfriend named Taten. We have been together for 3 years come june 12. He is 18 going to be a freshman in college. I seriously love him so much and i know he loves me. We have talked about marriage and if we would want to do it and there has never been a doubt in either one of our minds. The truth is, we want to runaway together. We wouldn't do it until i was 16 cuz I want to go to this vocational school do work in the field of make-up, nails, and hair. I hate living here with my parents and my 2 sisters and brother. We have talked about us going to Las Vegas and getting married when i turn 16. I have talk to some of my friends about this but they don't really listen. Could you please write back to me with some advice. And if you know of any laws of going on your own not being 18 yet. I need some advice...because i have no one to talk to about this. Thank you so much, Erika
Dear Erika:
Thanks for writing. We don't know about the laws in this area, however, and whether or not your parents can have you returned to them as a runaway. But we do sympathize with your situation, and we know how you feel. However, it could be that you're treating marriage as part of an escape from your parents and sisters and brother, and you have to be very careful about that. A marriage is never something you should run to in order to get away from something else. We know how tough it can be to live in a household that you don't enjoy, but unless there's a serious problem that makes it really necessary to leave, we recommend that you turn the tables on them in your mind by knowing that people who try to control you are actually themselves very insecure. By realizing that, you can get out of their game. As far as marriage goes, keep in mind that what's really important in a relationship is the emotional core and bond, not the actual piece of paper. We recommend that you let the relationship grow and blossom emotionally at this point if you know you want to pursue it. Doing this will help you make sure it's really the relationship you want, and not just an escape. Good luck to both of you. -S+N.
My boyfriend jimmy is really starting to annoy me. I love him alot, but it's getting to the point to where I don't care anymore. Now don't get me wrong I care about him with all my heart, but the arguments weve been getting in are getting rediculous.
I will try anything to make things better, Ive gone the distance as it is. Now remember, I do NOT want to leave him so don't give me anything about, he's not worth your time, you could find better. I know I could do all that, but I do love him and I'm so confused with what to do that its unbelieveable.
Theres too much argument, I mean just CONSTANT bickering. It could be about the weather and we would disagree. Now I want you to tell me the truth here, WHAT SHOULD I DO???? I dont usually write to perfect strangers, but I have no one else to talk to. O.K, heres the important information. Weve been together for close to a year, he has a 4 year old son, I'm 17, and hes 22. Trust and believe that I've done all in my power to try to make things work for Jimmy and I, but all the old tricks don't work anymore and I need a new solution. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!
Thank you for taking the time to listen to my problems.
Dear lyvonne:
There's no doubt there is a lot of argument going around these days. These are pretty prickly times. However, relationships give you a space in which you can control what's going on better. The two of us have been together for a long time, and we've never had one argument, mostly because we have decided that we - and our relationship - has more priority than the things we might argue about. It's not a matter of avoiding issues - in fact, we've been involved in a lot of issues from outside that most couples never have to face; it's a matter of communication, caring, compassion, and priority. Communication is important so the other person knows how you feel; caring is important for knowing that you share a point of view and so don't worry about relative advantage over the other person; compassion is all about love. Priority is the part many people get confused about, but it's really the simplest thing about defusing arguments - just make your relationship the most important thing in your life, or at least more important than the things you might argue about, and that's all you need. That is, put you two - together (which is the important aspect of all this) - first, and you'll be fine. Good luck. -S+N.
I've been divorced for several years now after a disastrous marriage.
I gained almost 75 lbs during the time I was so miserable and never lost
it, although before then I had never had a weight problem. Now my life
has changed and I've moved to another city, gotten a job I really like
and met a man where I work. We're friends already, but I'm dying to tell
him I'm interested in a relationship. I know I'm attractive, but I'm
also aware that although we're friends, he's probably not going to go for
someone at my weight. If I were back at my normal weight, I'm sure we'd be
dating. The problem is this: I'm losing weight steadily and I know I'll
eventually get back down to normal, but it could take a year or more.
Should I wait until I've lost more, or should I indicate my interest now?
If I wait, how do I back my feelings off about him to a point where I
can stand it until later? (It would really encourage and help me to
know for sure whether he likes me or not.)How do you tell someone you
realize you're fat but it's only a temporary problem? Or should I say
anything at all?
Dear Kathy:
This is a hard one, because many feel if they are "fat," they are not worthy of love. If you are strong enough to do it, you can redefine the world's opinion inside yourself and not let it trouble you so much - Steve treats it that way and when he sees a clothing store full of clothes that are going to be too small for him, as usual, he just says, "Hm! Doesn't look like there's any clothes here for normal-sized people!" (usually in a loud voice!) - but that's not an easy thing to do for many people. Ideally, you can work through the issue and have people accept and love you for yourself, just as they should. We encourage you to try it with your prospective sweetie this way. If sweetie has a hangup, the next step is up to you - do you feel the need to modify yourself to fit someone's conception? If you're willing to do so, work on it, but keep a clear overview and make conscious decisions here - people in an adult relationship don't let others outside that relationship dictate to them how they should feel about themselves, after all. Good luck.
-S+N.
Hello,
My wife has told me things about her past relationship which are upsetting to me.
We have talked about them and she has seen how it wasn't a good idea at all
to have told me such things.
But one in particular really troubles me..
She has had kids in this past relationship and now we are expecting our
first. I, as well as she, are looking very forward to the arrival.
But, she has told me that when she had her kid in the other relationship
that she loved being pregnant and that one time this guy slid under her
while she was breastfeeding and had sex with her. This was mentioned
in passing and at the time bothered me a little but nothing compared to how
it bugs me now. I feel that if that sort of moment were to arise it has
been taken away from me forever. Sounds strange I know but it hurts the same.
I have told her that I would have prefered not to know and she agrees and appologizes
but the energy was put out and now it can't be taken back.
Sometimes I think about what I've been told and it bothers me greatly.
I guess the reality of having our own child is what brings it so front
and center for me.
My question then is, what do I do with this? The feelings? The hurt and anger?
And the way my mind seems to return to this thought more and more?
I love this woman with my entire being and she, the same. I have NO doubts
about that at all. We are truly soulmates and were invented for each other
but for the life of me I hurt and am angered over this.
I await your words... thanks.
Dear VERY UPSET:
It sounds as though these feelings run deep in you. In fact, you may be surprised to learn how common a problem this is - if you read through this page, you'll see it quite a bit. We always say that the only way you can be really sure of a person is to know them emotionally fully. The only way you can be sure of someone is in your heart, so we recommend that you put in some time getting closer to her and see if you can't find the peace of mind you're looking for. Good luck! -S+N.
My exgirlfriend broke up with me cause i was chewing and taking speed and heroin and other drugs. When i started stopping and getting counculing for it she broke up with me and started going out with a big femm. What can i do to make my chances better to go back out with her cause i love her a lot and she doesn't seem to understand. The femm almost got her killed in a car accident when he rolled his car in her driveway!! Please help me!!
Dear michael:
We recommend that you start with communication; get to know what she wants in a person and work on that. Do your best, and be honest about it. Ultimately, though the choice is hers. The best strategy: make yourself into a person she'd be proud to be with. If it doesn't work, it wasn't your fault that it didn't, and you're prepared to move on. Good luck. -S+N.
Hi.......
Its about my girlfriend. She's 20 yrs old as well am I.She's been spending alot of time with this one guy. I was wondering if I had anything to worry about? I know I should ask her directly, but I just wanted to see if I was over reacting.
She spends about 4 days a week with him all afternoon. They regularly go feeding the ducks, to the park, the beach, miniature golfing, and sometimes to the movies. They spend all this time alone. She lets him give her piggy back rides and massage her back and neck. She says he is "sweetest guy" and easy to talk to. THey spend hours just talking. Does she like him as more than just friends?
The latest example, the 3 of us went to the park. I went to play basketball while they went to the slides. SHe went down the slide first and stopped at the bottom. He followed her and sat behind her on the bottom of the slide with her back to him. He had his hands locked in front of her and he rested his face and cheek on her back and shoulders. They just sat there for a few minutes talking. Is she giving him signals?
Another thing. He asked her out about six months ago and she turned him down. He asked her out again a couple months later and she still turned him down. They weren't that close when he first did it, they were a little more closer when he asked her the second time. Now they are great friends. Suppose she doesn't like him that way, would you act like this toward someone you know likes you but you don't like that person, or should I assume she changed her mind?
Its not like she's a flirt or anything. When other people are around, she doesn't treat him like the good friend he supposedly is. She is very shy and reserved around other people. They never hug or kiss eachother goodbye.
Bottom line.... Would they be going out if I wasn't in the picture. Does it seem like she has romantic feelings for him?
Sincerely,
Paranoid
Dear Paranoid:
It certainly does seem a possibility that she has romantic feelings for him from what you describe. It looks like it's time for some real communication, and if she doesn't want to or can't clarify her feelings, that's a signal to you in itself. Make your feelings known, gently, but make them known. It sounds like you're hesitant to proceed, but keep in mind that a working relationship is based on honesty. If your relationship is a strong and full one in that regard, it won't last in the long term anyway. We recommend that you start some communication on this issue; even if she thinks it's not a problem, it will indicate to her that you think it is. Good luck. -S+N.
JUNE 13,1999 IS MY 2ND YEAR ANNIVERSARY AND I'M AFRAID TO BY MY FIANCE ANY THING
BECAUSE HE IS VERY UNGRATFUL. aT THIS VERY MOMENT I FEEL AS IF HE IS CHEATING ON
I LOVE HIM IWTH ALL MY HEART HE TELLS ME THAT HE LOVES ME BUT I THINK HE IS LYING
Dear JOANNIE:
It sounds like you really need some honest communication with your him. If you can, try to open the emotional channel between the two of you, because it sounds as though that is blocked. Stand back and get a good hard look at what's going on, then try your best to get things started again. Communicate with him and indicate, gently, your dissatisfaction. If you can get close enough to him to really know him emotionally and deeply, you can feel sure of him again, but if he holds you off, take some time to think hard about the situation. Good luck! -S+N.
My girlfriend has lost her physical attraction towards me but wants to be with me and be held by me. We both invision marriage but I need more physical contact. Is there something we can read or try that might help her become attracted to me.
Dear kurt:
If we had such a cure, we could sell it for some pretty big money! However, that kind of thing is up to her. The one thing we can suggest is to get emotionally close to her and see what follows naturally. Be the kind of person she'd be proud to be with - try to open that channel. The physical attraction can come back after the emotional bond deepens and she can relax and really feel open with you. Good luck. -S+N.
Hello,
I was wondering if I could get a little advice. I'll try to make the situation as short and sweet as possible, so please bear with me. Well, I have a friend that I met my first year of college, and we got along just great. There was always an attraction there, somewhat, but we were just close friends, like brother and sister. Last summer before we returned to school, I visited him and I suppose the attraction overcame us both, because for that weekend, we took our relationship to a totally different level. I thought I would be able to handle the situation accordingly since we lived hours away during the summer and I had been single for awhile. And when we got back to school, my safety of having him so far away was gone because once again we were with each other everyday, or at least in the same proximity. I'll admit, I enjoyed it all, the phone calls everyday, spending time together, going out etc., and he did too. I found myself falling for him, no matter how hard I tried not to. It's odd because everyone would always tell us how well we looked together and how we should be together--from his family to mine. However, I began to pick up vibes from him that he was falling for me too, but neither one of us wanted a relationship for the same reasons. He had told his family and friends how much he liked and cared for me, but he never brought it up to me. Nevertheless, he began to change everything I had ever thought about being in a relationship and I began to desire one. I brought this up to him, and in the course of frustration and the brink of an argument, he told me he didn't want one. The topic never came up again. I tried several times before to keep my distance from him and to try and ween myself from him, but it didn't work. Whenever we are away from each other, it seems weird and we miss each other. We continued to see each other and continued the same as we did before. Through it all I guess it seemed that we were friends with "benefits". Attempting to break away from him, I left school without saying goodbye to him and haven't talked to him since. School has been out for almost a month now and I am contemplating whether or not I should initiate communication. He had asked me several times if I was coming to visit him over the summer, to which I gave no answer. I miss my friend immensely, and can and will live with the fact if our latter relationship must end for the benefit of the previous friendship. I just don't want to get hurt or get involved in a dead end relationship if I haven't already. It's tearing me up that we can't talk or see each other and I care about him and his feelings alot, but I care about mine more and don't want to make a mistake. Thanks alot!
Dear Térrica:
You say you're stuck wondering if you should initiate communication, and as we were reading your note, it seems that indeed what's lacking here is communication. You also say that it's tearing you up inside that you can't talk to or see each other; it looks like it's time to initiate that communication. Nothing's going to happen unless you communicate, so we advise you to break the silence and see if there's a chance for something more. If nothing else, you'll be able to stop tearing yourself up inside. -S+N.
Where do i begin. Around June time of last year, i was in my local pub with my friend, she saw two guys who she knows from school, we got talking, i had noticed this guy before when i was around 22. I'm just 27 now and this guy, lets call him steve is now just 25. You usually know instantly when there is a mutual attraction there and there was, although i never said anything to anyone, i would see him out every Friday and i noticed him looking over a few times, which flattered me very much, for a long time, most of last summer this is all that happened, i was sure he noticed me looking, i thought i was stalking him, how much i kept looking at him. I never approach guys, yes i know this is the 90's, but i waiting for him to approach me,,, and waiting and waiting. My girldfriend said that when she was at school with him he was very, very shy and that when she would speak to him he would go red. This i can handle. It got the point where something had to be done, so i got my girlfriend to have a word, which she did, when he was on his own. SHe had he told her he no idea i liked him,,,, which i do find hard to believe,,, i know he saw me looking at him, and he is not blind. But that he was going away travelling for 3 months in December overseas with freinds,. Although my friend didn't tell me she thought he wasn't interested, but said i really had to find out for myself, so i plucked up enough courage and went over to him... my god i got a good response, for saying i'd never said anymore than heelo to this guy we spent 4 four hours together, talking and talking. He paid me some really flattering compliments, which i know were geniune, he told me that he had liked me, but didn't really want to get involved. which i understamd, but does anyone start a relationship thinking where is this going to lead, i just take one step at a time. We got on so well, although i know i caught him at the right time, it was a week before he went away and just before Christmas, everyone is usually in a good mood. He doesn;t ssem to have alot of confidence in himself - about his looks, he told my friend he couldn't understand why i liked him, he has also said this to me one two occasions. And when my girlfriend came over to say goodnight and talk to me, she said, his face looked as if he didn't want her there, as if he was saying "go away, I'm trying to chat her up" He did ask me out, but i was nervous, i thought god, we've been taling for the past 4 hours, what happens if i can't think of anything to say. I wish i'd have gone.. ANyway, he walked me home, did not try it on and gave me no promises, went away travelling, yes i did think of him often, he came back, i wasn't expecting him to come over and fling his arms around me, alothough i wouldn't have said no. We have spoken since, we've had eye contact, my friends have seen him looking, but he hasn;t wanted me to see him looking, is he afraid of his own feelings...?. A couple of weks ago i went out at the weekend we'd b oth had a drink, we spent most of the evening together although it wasn't a date, i was casually talking to me while his friend was with my friend, lots of eye contact, he was in no hurry to leave. at the end of the night, in another pub, i was talking to his freind and i know i saw him looking as if to say whats goind on here then, plus later he looked around the pub to see where i was. I had had a liitle too much to drink, so i grabbed him puled him to one side and basically said everything i was feeling, that i did not want to put him on the spot, but i did like him, i still do, yes i do have other offers from guys, which i do take up, put i want him, which i more or less told him, and that if he wasn;t interested to tell me so i can move on, i told hime the door was wide open, but wouldn't be forever. He never said he didn't like me, but he did say that times go quickly for him, and that hes going away again in December travelling well so am i, we have 5 months until then, i asked him i he didn't want to go out and have some fun, have a laugh. I told him that if i thought he's say yes i would ask him out...... I tried to look at him as much as i could, put opening your feelings to someone that much is a little embarrasing, he was looking and listening to every word i said. Later on he asked me out, HE ASKED ME OUT, plesade remeber this, of course i said yes. we spent an hour together kissiing and cuddling and talking, we arraneged to meet at a point we both knew, he knew i would be there. The night came i was htere on time, i waited and waited and waited he didn't show...... You can imaginbg how i felt. What was going on.. I know he'd had a drink, i'm left going around in circles, is he taking the piss, did he get cold feet. I just keep thinking i pushed him into a corner, was i too intense with him, i'm not very good at this dating lark, usually i don't approach men, i don't think steve is very good at approaching girls, so i 'm sure if i'd never approached him, he would not have approached me, put i'm getting sick of approaching him, because i'm left with now not knowing what the hells going on. I believe in being honest with people and i can usua;llly tell when someone is taking the piss, surely you can't spent an hour with someone, having a laugh, kissing, cuddling, saying sincere things, if you don't mean them, i can't anyway. I would'nt call steve one of the lads at all,. I haven't seen him since then, and i know i won't really know whats going on until i speak with him, but in the meantime i'm going mad. please help me. and plese be honest. sorry i waffled on so much. THANKS
Dear Lynda:
As we were reading your note, it seemed to us that you may have been right when you said "I just keep thinking i pushed him into a corner". We advise backing off a little and letting him come forward. See things from his point of view. If you care for him, open the emotional channel and empathize. Good luck! -S+N.
My girl friend hasn't told her mother about me, and shes not aloud to have a bf, and it seems like shes avoiding to ask her mother, something always comes up from stopping her from talking to her mom.......what should I do?
Dear Brian:
We don't have quite enough to go on here, like how old you and she are. We're assuming that if her mother has much to say here, that you're both fairly young, so the role of friend might be the only workable one right now. To gain the mother's trust, you should be trustworthy, and maybe more will develop in time. Good luck. -S+N.
I don't go out a lot, but I took a girlfriend out to lift her spirits one night. After dinner we went to a blues club close to where I live. I met a man there who was tranferred here from out west. I was also transfered here from out west. Strangely, we work for the same company, in the same building, and have never seen each other before. We are the same age, we both live in the same area and have been here about the same amount of time. When I met him, he was very sad and hoping to transfer back west to be closer to his 4 year old daughter (born from a brief encounter). We've been dating for a over a year. This man has been so sweet and thoughtful and fun. He cooks dinner, sends me flowers, takes me away for weekends, makes my coffee just the way I like it, looks after my truck, and always tells me how beautiful I am. I've met his parents, his friends, his relatives, and the people he works with. He has also told his ex about me, but not his 5 year old child (for obvious reasons). My problem is that Don has a very difficult time opening up and almost seems to avoid a deep emotional connection. Physically the relationship is wonderful. But I get so frustrated because I try to connect at a deeper level, and he can't or doesn't want to. He has only been involved (long term) with 2 other women, and a child brought him together in the second. He now knows he will transfer back west in 3 months. I feel like he is pushing me away now. Lately he has been critical of everything I do. It's as if he's building a case of why I'm no good for him, so he can leave. Now he says he thinks I deserve more and he can't 'afford' me (I make more money than he does). At one time we talked about me transfering back west as well, starting a family, etc. but now he doesn't want me to give up my job and he doesn't want a long distant relationship. Clearly I will not throw myself at a man who doesn't want me, BUT, in my heart I don't believe him. I can feel that he truely loves me, but he would rather die than open his heart to being giving and recieving love and a deep level. He once told me that he feels embarassed to display his feelings. We both had difficulty in our childhood. My father abandoned me and his is an alcoholic who is also a perfectionist. My mother was emotionally cold and abusive. His mother is very warm and funny. I'm torn between chalking this up to experience and not throwing in the towel yet. I have learn so much about myself through this man in this past year about the masks and walls I have built around me to protect myself. I am only now beginning to realize that the real me is buried behind all these walls and is screaming to be free. I care very deeply for this man, and would love to continue our journey together. But I realize I must also be mindful of choosing someone who is inappropriate for me and being patient with Dan. We are both in our mid 30s. He's an Aquairis and I'm an Aries.
Dear Diane:
You sound like a very perceptive mind, and that's great. We think you should trust your judgement here, because it looks like you're seeing things clearly. Our own thinking is that it's probably best to chalk this one up to experience, even if it hurts to do so; it does sound like he's already disconnecting. In any case, we're confident that when you take a clear, conscious look at the picture after standing back a little, you'll know what to do, because you do sound very perceptive. And you're the only one that can really decide for yourself. Good luck. -S+N.
divorced 2 years ago.Last MayI met a lovely,22 year old man (I'm 34!) initially thought the age difference would be a problem but he is definitely not your typical "lad". Doesn't drink (Mum ex alcoholic..could be related??) Very sincere,quietly spoken, old fashioned family values - close to mother, who is very loving but rather controlling! He was a bit shy but not painfully so. Loved his hobbies(karting & rally cars)He soon realised that he felt very close to me. He lived in Dorset and I in Cornwall - began travelling to see each other. He was first man to ever show me and give me real love and devotion. Phoned me at 8.00am every morning for 8 months!just to say good morning! Crazy about me. His mum was devastated about her "baby" being mixed up with a 34 year old divorcee with 2 young kids. (KIDS ADORED HIM - hE ADORED THEM) He begged her to meet me..within a month we were best friends! By autumn we decided we could no longer stand the distance between us, he offerd to move but i wanted a fresh start somewhere and liked dorset. Also his good job is in dorset. I had lots of trouble/stress/heartache in selling the house but he was always behind me. (I'm a drama queen -ring him in tears and he would always find a solution) very level headed for age. Wanted to be moved by xmas. He and his family rallied round and got the money together and advance rent was put down on a home in dorset(which he found for me) We made it 2 days before xmas. Well..after xmas I just seemed to "flop". Mentally and physically exhausted..it was supposed to be a happy time-together at last but i resented him because he worked too much(not really but I needed him)I clung to him /lost my bubbliness. By feb he had walked out in tears-didnt know what he wanted any more. The fantasy we had built up was over.